How I am relearning to Believe in Myself Again?

A brief look at the year and highlights of my life leading me to this moment. Photo by Ran Berkovich on Unsplash

What a year it is turning out to be! It is the end of October, and I have managed to complain about the way IT firms operate on three different continents. Be it cultural issues, technological challenges, or just plain bad management, I have sneaked a peek into firms in Germany, India, and now Australia. Oh! Small update if I didn’t mention it before. After a long, arduous year-long wait to get through the Australian Immigration process for Permanent Residency, I managed to acquire a residency permit in July. Not to waste more time, I was on a flight to Sydney by the end of the month.

Looking back at the Beginning of it all

Sydney is a beautiful city. As soon as I landed, my cab ride home was filled with enthusiasm, even though it was cloudy and rainy outside. Something I never felt during my time in Munich, the feeling of belonging to a place that grew on me during my time in Chicago. Fair to say, all the time spent in Munich, I was searching for the feeling that I failed to capture. During my time in Munich, the feeling of not being able to connect with the city always bothered me. All my life, my professional life was spent wandering from one city to another, and it was always a blast to live, explore, and get to know a city. Munich, though, never felt that warm towards such a mindset. Every time I traveled out of Munich or Germany, in general, I was mesmerized by the vibe and felt at home in whichever city I spent my time. Amsterdam, Budapest, Madrid, Barcelona, Salzburg, and even Hallstatt were beautiful and friendly for a tourist like me. But then it was time to go back to Germany, and a certain gloom cast over the day. I could never understand or shake it off. It reflected in my time at work, in my work, and in my interpersonal relationships at work. Slowly, the quiet confidence of belonging to a workplace, being an expert at something, faded away, giving rise to constant self-doubt. After 15 years working in the IT industry, I started second-guessing every step of my way; it became a struggle for survival rather than an effort to thrive. A change was needed and not just in my place of work, the way I work, but also where I see myself spending my time.

Change is constant, yet feels all of a sudden

How to manage a change and the flow of emotions that come with it? A question I have asked myself so many times and in so many different emotional states. The answer has always been to accept it with an open heart and see where it guides you. Easier said than done. In the past, I always wondered whether it was my ultimate choice to work in the field that I am working in, spend time as a corporate 9–5 employee, fill in timesheets, and waste away my weekends. The obvious answer is no, but the alternative was never really on the table. I thought to myself, maybe a change should be initiated at this basic level, and figure out the things I truly enjoy working on, and then find myself making a living out of it. It is not a radical idea, but then a scary thought to think to stop in the middle of nowhere and decide to explore the unknown. If not now, then when? Keeping this in mind, I jumped into exploring many things. Starting with close to IT, into Product Management, moving onto UI/UX, Illustration, etc., with an eventual goal to find a sustainable skill to last a lifetime. After much deliberation, the idea to develop a creative skill while utilizing those already gained seemed to be the ideal way to go forward. Thus, this newsletter and blog became my outlet to share about my everyday work and a canvas of courage to share my creative writing. It can be tough to maintain such routines while working a full-time job, especially when my heart is not in it. So I quit!

Believe in yourself, and so will others

The whole ordeal taught me one lesson, a very important one - Believe in Myself! A week has gone by, working in a chaotic firm, something I told myself I would not do, but then circumstances expect a bit of pragmatism. To not forego the awakening I had, I decided to try my hand at freelance contracting. Here, I am, working as an independent contractor, trying to use the skills I acquired throughout my two-decade career to fuel the career I intend to build for myself, to fulfill my desires, my soul. It’s ironic, if you look at the whole ordeal called life, it always asks you to sacrifice something before it gives you anything that you desire. The very thing I wanted to leave behind, somehow, is fueling the future I intend to build for myself. Will it work? I don’t know. Should I try? Definitely. After all, the only lesson we can teach ourselves is to always believe in ourselves.

Takeaway

To wrap up a long-winded note of sorts, I want to emphasize that anyone working in Tech or any other industry will go through a phase of burnout. A phase where the overwhelming feeling of doing something bigger than yourself will take over. Do not let the feeling pass by without any action. Last year, I spent time understanding my desires and ways to channel them. In the process, it guided me towards a creative journey, a pathway to financial independence, and an intense desire to build something of my own. It’s time to chase it, wholeheartedly.

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